It’s the end of November, and I had a plan for the remainder of 2020: I was going to stay in my home, and just deeply rest + relax.
No major projects. No meetings. No obligations.
Just rest and relaxation in the sacredness of my own home.
During the entirety of this pandemic, I had been staying at my mothers house. I had done so to help her out + have a different environment from my regular setting for awhile. But when a friend came to visit me from out of town last week, we stayed at my home. And I felt a deep calling to return to staying their full time.
But that plan got abruptly halted, and it sent me for a tailspin.
Last Sunday night I returned home to stay for good, but when I walked in my front door, I saw the entire floors of my home flooded with about two-inches of water. My beautiful, special order, hardwood floors.
It was 10:30 at night.
I was angry: I couldn’t stay in my home that night, and I was very tired. I wasn’t in the mood to deal with plumbers all night)
I was disappointed: I realized my plan was ripped out from under me)
But mostly, I was scared: I didn’t want to lose my floors. Would I have the money for this level of repair? Would I be able to find these exact floors again?)
I called all the 24-hour plumbers in the city, but no plumbers in the area could come before the next morning. My floors were going to be ruined.
The next morning, when the floor restoration company came, they confirmed my fear: “Floors are totally warped, have to pull them all up to prevent mold. Will have to refloor my home.” I was mortified.
I left my home to go to a doctors appointment, and give my mind a break from losing its sanity.
While waiting in the doctors office, I came across a friend of mine, Hollie Holden’s, Facebook live. She was talking about a passage from A Course in Miracles (a book I love):
“If you knew who walked beside you at all times; on this path that you have chosen; you could never experience fear or doubt again.”
And immediately, I felt a calm settle in my nervous system. And an awareness: I was letting this situation disconnect me from the truths I know, and have learned AND taught, across my spiritual journey in multiple forms:
- We are not alone.
- We are loved.
- We are held.
- And well-being is always Life’s intention for our life.
These are always the truths wanting to be expressed and realized behind all the storms that arise in our lives. This is what it actually means to be loved. And life loves me. I know this. It was one of the major messages I received from Source during my Near Death Experience: “Life loves ME. I don’t have to make it do so, I just have to let it.”
So in this situation with my floors, (which fucking sucks, make no mistake about my anger and grief around this, my floors were one of my favorite things about my house), I allow myself to surrender to these truths, and let life guide me to the positive + loving outcome it wants for me in this, even though I have no way of seeing how right now.
If I don’t surrender this over, my mind will take the lead, and it will lead from these thoughts:
- “There’s no way I’m going to find these floors again, or even something better. They were special ordered.”
- “I don’t have the money for this.”
- “I don’t have the patience to go through a renovation right now. I wanted to relax and have NO responsibilities or obligations!!”
“Back of all our doubts, past all of our fears, there still is certainty.” – A Course in Miracles
I am loved.I am held.I am not alone.And well-being is always Life’s intention for my life.
This is my soul’s certainty. And I am willing to trust that this situation will end up further proving this to me.
Life/God’s will for my life is always well-being, and deeper and deeper experiences of it.
So my perspective shifted, right there in the doctor’s office. And instead of holding so firmly to my original plan, I began to say out loud: “Not my will, but our will be done.”
Because Life/God, and I, are one. Not separate, but one. So I can trust it the will of it fully. I can trust it, because it loves me.
“Even though I can’t see how right now, this will work out in my favor.”
It’s one of my favorite mantras.
It’s one of my most healing affirmations.
It’s one of my most transformative prayers.
I’ll be taking a deeper dive into it for the remainder of 2020. And looking forward to just how this, too, ends up serving me well.