Destroying a Box I’ve Been Invited to Live In

Everyday, me and two of my close friends inbox each other hilarious and sexually raunchy memes. We’ll view the meme, laugh our ass off or clap in agreement, and then post some equally hilarious response.  

Why am I telling you this?

Well, because I don’t ever want to be placed in a box as a spiritual/metaphysical teacher. I don’t want an image placed on me of what you think a teacher should be. Especially not an image of purity and chastity.

Because boxes imprison. They bond us.

So many teachers, especially ones with large platforms, get branded with an image that places them into boxes that don’t allow them to be their full true selves. And the belief starts to set in for them that they can only be this person in public, or else they’ll lose followers, lose money, lose respect, lose belief in the validity of their work or message, lose belonging, lose love.

The most insidious toxin most of us humans carry (including the most famous and successful teachers, healers, gurus, etc) is the belief that we cannot live our full truth, and be loved at the same time.

And from this belief, we hide and rearrange ourselves, and put on masks, to become whatever image we think we need to gain love in the form of approval and belonging, or to not lose the approval and belonging (love) that we already have.

But this “performance” energetically poisons us. As all hiding and editing of our truest self does, as soul beings.

It robs us of our wholeness, and disconnects us from pieces of ourselves – pieces of our souls vibration that we literally need to expressed in our bodies in order to remain healthy, and happy.

This is one of the main reasons so many spiritual teachers get sick and manifest a chronic illness/disease. And why there’s been such a problem with many teachers committing suicide.  

I didn’t escape this fate.

Kidney failure was the manifestation of suppressing and hiding parts of myself. Of not living my truth, not expressing what I really wanted, or who I really was.

So these days, I only do what makes me well – what nourishes my wellness and wellbeing.

And a big part of that is to destroy whatever boxes I’m invited to live in – to literally rack my public image across the coals from time to time to assure that it’s not even there for me to try and seek refuge or escape in it.

A big message I received from my Higher Self during my healing journey was: “no more fucking secrets.

So these days, I live as honestly and transparently as I can.  

I expose my truths.
Even if someone else finds them ugly, or disapproving.

I know that whatever it is, if it’s a part of me, it belongs. It’s to be integrated into the wholeness of my being, and given the freedom to be expressed.

So, here’s my truth: I love dirty jokes.  
I love joking about sex.  
Especially gay sex.  
And I make jokes with my friends about it often.

I don’t want to be known as a prestine teacher; I want to be known as myself.

I want to only be known as a teacher who truly loves himself. A teacher who is being himself. A teacher who values wellbeing, above all else.  

And a teacher who continues to learn in his own life how to better and better do each of those things.  

Because truly, we teach most by what we live. By our example.  

And I ain’t trying to teach anymore how to make yourself sick, and unhappy.

Last 15 Posts

 

The Top 3 Thought Viruses That Make Us Sick

Last week, I saw a video by Anita Moorjani where she mentioned the term: “thought virus.” And immediately, I deeply resonated with the term, and recognized the principle as it related to my own healing journey from AIDS and kidney failure, and the healing work I’ve done with my clients. So much so, I was inspired to do this video in order to go a bit more in depth about what thought viruses actually are, and why they are so detrimental the the health of our bodies, and the wellbeing of our lives. I also share what the purpose of our life experience is from the soul’s perspective, why not feeling “enough” is so dangerous, and how the law of attraction manifests our reality. Enjoy!

Last 15 Posts

 

Disease Didn’t Kill Me; It Saved Me

A lot of people have said to me, “AIDS and kidney failure nearly killed you.”  And I can understand how they could think that.  From someone looking from the outside-in, those are life-threatening, life-ending diseases, that have wrecked horror in some people’s lives.  And I did technically nearly die in the initial stages of it.

But for me, what’s the most true is that AIDS and kidney failure didn’t nearly kill me, they wholly saved me.  

Because before they came, I was killing myself.  I was stuck in such a toxic shame pattern of feeling not enough, and unlovable.  I also didn’t enjoy my life, because I wasn’t being my true self out of fear of not being liked, not being accepted or loved for it.  So I suppressed many aspects of myself to try and avoid the rejection and withdrawal of love – the quirky aspects of my personality, my same-gender-loving sexuality, and my intuitive and psychic gifts.  I suppressed so much of myself that my life began to feel like a prison.  It felt like bondage.  Like I couldn’t really stretch out inside of it, or truly take a deep breath within it.  

I also held a lot of shame in my being.  I felt like my body wasn’t attractive enough to be liked/loved by the men I truly wanted (I felt too fat), and I was starting to feel like I had failed at my life because I wasn’t “successful” yet and making a lot of money, like all the magazines, and media ads, and cultural propaganda said I should be since I had graduated college.  I began to feel inadequate, and like something about who I was and where I was at that point of my life wasn’t enough. – like it was wrong.

Basically, I was hurting myself daily with my beliefs, my emotional state, and my choices.  Because through them, I was withholding myself from the vibration/frequency of Love. And Love is the very vibration our bodies need in consistent doses to survive, and be well.

So, I was killing myself actually, and didn’t even know it.

But when I got diagnosed with AIDS and kidney failure, I had to wake up.  I had to realize that the way I had been previously thinking about myself. and the way I had been approaching living my life, was not healthy or happy.  And more importantly, IT WASN’T ME.  And that not being myself, not loving myself. was making me sick.  And if I wanted to survive and be truly well, I was going to have to turn all of that around to a more loving way of thinking/feeling about myself, and a more joyful and relaxed way of living my life.

This meant changing my self-talk and my internal stories around my body, my sexuality and my spirituality from ones of shame/fear to ones of love and acceptance.  It meant changing my behaviors from one of suppression and hiding aspects of myself to expression of myself, and bringing those things that I had previously kept in the shadows directly out into the Light…and keeping them there.  It meant focusing my life on what brought me joy and nourished my soul – my passions, the people I loved being around, what I found truly fun and exciting, etc – instead of menial work and unfulfilling relationships that brought me money and togetherness, but also brought me stress and drained/depleted my Life Force Energy.  

It meant freeing myself.  It meant finally basing my life on joy.

So no, AIDS and kidney failure didn’t nearly kill me.  

They saved me.  

They woke me up, and taught me how to truly live well.  

And deliciously so.    

AIDS and kidney failure were my gurus – my holy soul-appointed teachers – and I thank God for their arrival.  

I know being grateful for the arrival of a disease, especially a “terminal/incurable” one, is not a popular perspective to hold, but it’s the deepest truth I have to offer.

Was some of it painful?  Yes.  Do I have scars from my journey?  Yes.  But only on my body.  My heart is clear and my vibration is high, and I cam promise, all the pain I went through was worth it.  Because every single painful episode I’ve experienced through my journey with these diseases brought with it a gift that expanded me somehow, by deepening my ability to love myself, and enjoy my life.  

With the bodily pain, gifts came.  With the emotional pain, gifts came.  

There was gift and a blessing behind every chapter of my journey with these diseases.

And because of that, there is nothing about AIDS or kidney failure that I look back upon with disdain.  I am grateful.  I wouldn’t have the life I have today without the experience of them.  I couldn’t.  And I love my life today.  My life truly feels nourishing and fulfilling these days, and I enjoy falling into the days of it.  And I love myself today.  What I have, what I don’t have; how I look, and how I don’t look; what I’ve achieved and what I haven’t, I’m at peace with and and appreciate it all.  

I am healed today.

I feel whole, and happy, and enough.

And none of that would’ve been possible if AIDS and kidney failure hadn’t come to wake me up from sleeping.  

Disease was the most powerful wake-up calls of my life.  

And what I now know for sure is that it came not to kill me (even though that’s what my doctors and my entire family thought), but it came to help guide me back home to myself.  Back home to the love of myself. To the ease of myself.  To joy of myself.  To the higher Frequency of my Soul Self. 

Or more plainly put, back home from living in fear/shame, to living in Love.

My life is steeped in Love these days.

It’s rooted in worthiness and joy. 

And I love the taste of it so much better than what it tasted like before.

My relationships, my work, my bank account, my health, ALL have transformed for the better because of my journey back to Love.

What I now know is that being diagnosed with a disease is nothing to fear on its own.  

It’s not a punishment or betrayal by our body, but an invitation by our body to transform.  To stop who we’ve been being and how we’ve been living, and start doing the work of truly being ourselves, and living a life that is saturated in joy and love instead.  

What AIDS and kidney failure taught me is that disease is just a cocoon.  And that when it shows up in our lives, if we truly take it’s invitation to come inside and do the healing and self-loving work of becoming our True Self and creating a joyful and delicious life that we truly love to live, we will come out of that cocoon a different person than who we were when we went in.  We will be transformed.  We will be more alive.  And we will shine.  And gloriously so.    

Who we become during the cocoon is where the real gold is, the real gift that the disease(s) came to bring us. 

I’m a living witness and testimony.

So, today, when people express pity when they hear about my journey (as if something horrible, instead of magical took place in my life), I understand.  But, also, if they’re willing to listen, I tell them my truth:  that it was a blessing, not a curse. 

If they’re not, I simply smile and nod my head, whilst whispering silently to myself:  

“Thank you AIDS and kidney failure.  I couldn’t have done it without you.”

Last 15 Posts

 

The Shame/Illness Connection | Shame Series

Holding shame in our consciousness and vibration not only creates negative experiences in our life, but also negative health in our bodies. In this penultimate video in my Shame series, I discuss the connection between shame and illness, what I discovered about shame being the root cause of my HIV-positive diagnosis, and what the process is for healing shame and all it manifests in our bodies. Plus, I share what scientific studies have discovered about shame’s effect on our health, why energy and consciousness are the root cause of disease, and the difference between hiding and privacy. Enjoy!

Last 15 Posts

 

Feeling Sexy After Feeling Less Than

I used to believe my body was less than.

Less than wanted, 
desired, 
attractive. 

Because I grew up being teased for “not being thin.” So I thought having a thicker body meant I was less desirable than those who didn’t. ESPECIALLY those who were muscular and slim. Well, what my healing journey with self-love has shown me is that that narrative is BULLSHIT. The more I’ve learned to love the body I’m in, as is, the more men have come out of the wood-works in praise and admiration of it. And just the type of men I like. And the shift wasn’t about how I looked at all, but how I felt. 

When I felt unattractive, no dates, no calls, no DMs. When I did the work to feel sexy internally (even without changing my body) – can’t keep men out of my DMs, or off my phone, or from making advances. The better I feel about myself these days, the more men are trying to order me off the menu…SUPERSIZED. 

Attractive comes in all sizes, Divine Ones. Trust me.  But it doesn’t come in all energies. 

You have to FEEL sexy. You have to stop rehearsing the toxic narrative that you aren’t enough, as you are, and start telling yourself a more loving narrative . One like: “I am highly attractive, beautiful, desired and respected, just as I am.” That’s how you being to radiate attractiveness, and desirability, and enoughness.

Radiate, and then watch what happens.

If you need a witness, ask my DMs.

❤️?

Last 15 Posts

 

Perfectionism As the Mask of Shame | Shame Series

Often in our culture, we view perfectionism as something to be praised. We see those who constantly go above and beyond, who cross all their ‘t”s and dot all their ‘i”s, who always have to be and present the best, as people to be praised and examples to be followed. However, what I learned through my own journey with perfectionism is that perfectionism is not something to aspire to, but something to heal. That lying underneath all that perfection is shame, telling us that we have to be “better than” in order to be “good enough.” And like all the other messages of shame, it’s a lie. In this fourth video of my Shame Series, I discuss why perfection is the mask of shame, the negative effects it has on our lives, and what we can do to begin heal it, and return ourselves to our own love. Enjoy!

Last 15 Posts