During my journey after my Near Death Experience (NDE), in the most humbling of ways, life broke me down to my most bare essentials, and I had to put myself back together again.
But this time, instead of being put back together with the same pieces made of shame, and fear, and suppression/repression, like I had been made of before my NDE, I had to build myself from Love. From appreciation. From acceptance. From joy. From authentic, unedited expression. I had to build a life on the strong foundation of belonging to myself again. Because that was the only type of life that was going to stand up anymore. It was the only kind of life that was going to last.
Make no mistake, my journey was fucking painful, because I lost so much during it. I lost friends. I lost money. I lost homes (well technically, apartments). I lost my health. I lost my looks. I had over thirty surgeries. I have over thirty scars. I went dead broke for awhile. There were dark, DARK days, for sure. But all of it was sooooo necessary. Because I had to be stripped down to nothing.
No bullshits anymore.
Just nothing at all.
Because in that nothingness, I found myself again.
The real me.
And I built my life anew around what I found.
AIDS and kidney failure were curses for a while, then blessings forever. I am grateful for them. I bow to them in sacred reverence now. Because they reintroduced me to the love of myself, and to the life that my love deserves. The dis-eases taught me what healing, wellness and joy actually take…and what they don’t. I wouldn’t have gotten here without them.
They were the teachers I needed who brought the lessons I didn’t know I needed, but so deeply did.
I thank Love for their arrival, and thank Love again that I’m learning what I need to to allow them to depart.